i always knew this day would come. i guess i fooled myself into thinking she would be with me forever. i remember going to pick her up one early november 12 years ago. she was the tiniest little ball of wrinkles and the only female, which is the sex i wanted. and she was scurrying as fast as she could away from me & under a table. that was the first of many odd experiences i would have with her. her other new mommy & i stopped at the pet store on the way home. she threw up in the first aisle we came to so we scrambled out of there. but i fell in love with this goofy creature. i made a commitment that first day to her that nothing would ever come between her and i, save death. there were moments during those years where i thought i might be homeless. well, WE might be homeless and i even thought about how we would need a really big box and maybe 'toys r us' would have a good size swing set box that would keep us warm on the street. i never once thought of us not being together, through hard times or good times. you see, she was and is my home. and the psychology behind this is . . . i've never had a human companion for longer than a few years at a time, so she has been my constant best friend, family, and protector. at some really low times, she's been my only family. i've had her since i was 22. she has seen me through adulthood. i plan on reading her a letter i wrote for her on monday morning . . . . before the appointment. it's the only way i know how to deal with this devastating and inevitable loss.
i learned something about death shortly before grandma died. she and i were closer than any other mother and daughter. she was how i learned to "parent" bronte. with an unconditional love that surpassed space and time. at that time grandma's body was hanging on in this world. and although she had gotten delirious and was out of consciousness by this time, i knew i needed to tell her something in private. i sat beside her in that cold hospital room and i told her she could go. that i was going to be ok. i could make it without her if she needed to leave. i didn't want her to hurt or be in pain anymore. i can't recall if it was that day, the following day, or 2 days later . . . but she finally let go.
and i feel like bronte is holding on as well. like she wants to make sure i'll be ok without her. i feel like her main joys in life were grandma's house, car rides, treats, & protecting me.
following is my letter to her:
i never knew commitment or love until the moment i saw your sweet wrinkly face.
i'm not sure how i will live without you yet, but i will somehow find the strength. my silent protector and watchful guardian. where your spirit is going is a much better place than this world, love. i would rather you go there first than stay here without me and one of us has to go first.
no more thunder & lightning, no more fireworks, no more loud noises, no more fevers, no more hospital, no more separation anxiety, no more pain.
you've been my constant, my family, and my loyal best friend during adulthood. somehow, the universe knew we needed one another.
and now i have to say good bye and let you go. give grandma kisses for me, baby girl. until we meet again, i will always miss you, bronte beatrice. you have forever changed me. and i loved every moment of being your mommy.
