this year of love

a year of travel, volunteerism, & beautiful lovers
is passing
on this final morning
the light
it shines in my eyes
as i reflect on these experiences
of which i know will last a lifetime
each moment frozen, encapsulated
in timelessness
this year of love

i enjoy life, fairly sober

is it a sign that i am getting old when i have absolutely no interest in attending parties or partying, for that matter?
i used to be that person once, i know. whatever bash was going on, u would find me there. hell, i even threw some fairly big ones myself. 
or maybe it's just certain kinds of parties..where the goal is to be surrounded by people & get inebriated. i had enough of that in my teens & early 20's. where & when exactly did i stop enjoying that life? 
i suppose it was when i learned i could enjoy certain people sober. & these were the people i wanted to be around, mostly. humans can connect & form deep bonds during conversations we will remember the next day & perhaps the rest of our lives. i decided i didn't want to spoil the moments i could cherish with double vision. 
as cheesy as it sounds, i feel a sense of exhilaration akin to drunkenness when being around people i love...who challenge me to use my brain & the cells in it that i have remaining. now, this doesn't mean i have or will swear off a drink from time to time. but moderation, i think, is best for me...a wine tasting, a couple beers or cocktails with a close group of friends is more my speed. 
let's talk about the intangibles of the world, cultures different from ours, Descartes, poetry, classic literature, music that moves us & we don't even have to worry about getting our cars the next day!

last act

it's finalmente
the last one is leaving

or left 
years ago

effort exhausted
when none was spent

& these little girl dreams
lie in waste
i stare at them
scattered around my feet
in disbelief
at this stunning exit

careful, as i pick them up
fingers tremble
a quiet stillness before 

my body becomes engulfed
      in flames of rage
i wail, scream, choke, scratch, rip, & tear
pound this earth with my fists

music, alcohol, women, & work
always ahead of this liability

and now this...

farewell,
you fucking coward

a woman's heart

a woman's heart is one of the greatest of mysteries 
through the ages 

an enigma, 
elusive & complex

the feminine 
knows some things are better left secret

and so...
burdens are carried, tears quiet
in private, 
she suffers

keeping my secret

my heart peeks out
hoping it is safe
only to be shoved back in

forcefully,
violently

don't u remember how she makes u feel, darlin?

she waits...

breathe in the darkness 
& stand naked 
under this moonless night

tearing at
thorn n spike

the sounds,
guttural 
creeping in from the center 
        of gravity

the tastes
  all regurgitated
& bitter

just bide time
   for one solitary second 
       of solace

it took her

it took her,
pulling you in

to reach me
to close the gap
to feel my frightened heart

cornered

he's waiting in the wings
misty cloud
he moves
& before i can catch my breath
get my bearings,
he is there

seductive eyes 
pulling me in
until he has control again
control
over my feelings, body, emotions

one wrong move
one wrong choice
he has me trapped in his tangled web

i cannot breath
or make a sound
he got to me

individual greatness

what makes an individual 'great'? i mean, what is it that drives people to reach a point where they realize their potential? there are so many human beings that walk on this earth who will leave a worldwide legacy and then others who seem content to just exist and die. i guess 'greatness' is very subjective, but we cannot deny that the mandela's, mother teresa's, gandhi's, & mlk's are exceptions to the norm.  regardless of their backgrounds, they were able to rise above & out of the typical patterns of thought in their 'tribes'. are some people just born this way? with a sun so bright inside that they must light a path? or can this force be acquired through life experience? i am not so disillusioned to think there is a clear answer.  as with most questions in life, there are probably a myriad of factors that play into the answer.  any thoughts? 

gravitational pull

his fingers caress my skin

    a touch 

  that i haven't felt in so long
i almost didn't recognize it

he wants to reach me
   but i am damaged

& i will never be anyone's
   
for i am like the seasons
   i leave, i return

the cycle
  like tides, the sun, the moon

i touch his face & kiss his scars,
   gently
in hopes that i may give him enough to remember
how beautiful he is
    

colors of morocco

dancing in morocco

steps wild & careless

drumming

colors of every hue

       envelop my frame

the moonlight

draws out the madness in me

drumming

       hands from a stranger of this land

grab my waist

       lips brush my neck

& he whispers a secret

morning

betrayed  


by my own veiled fragility


in strength, i discover my


     weakness


awakening at dawn


a


myriad of scents


hanging like silk sheets


around my skin

no mysteries

you are no mysteries to me

your faces,

          incapable

of disguise

you cannot

     be,

     here,

     now,

     present

to find

tenderness & passion

stop

this continuous

cycle

& feel

what it is

to live,

unhindered

sacred timelessness

she is transient
floating through time & space
summoning the battle of ages

amazon warriors & gypsy queens
"taking a lover"
     to a level where this world disappears

& we allow pleasure 
        mingled with aching
and sacredness

empty space

u never cared about the distance in my eyes...the empty space between your mind & mine...I desperately wanted it to be filled...a union of absolute perfection...only u were missing

heartstrings

u were lovely & perfect & beautiful...i could have adored u, but my heartstrings r tender & fragile & i cannot anymore...the window of opportunity, the moment is gone

on fire

you agitated me
until my fiery temperament 
was unleashed

world traveler

if i can only contain your beauty for moments,
that is enough
& i can become one of your worldly stories
forever memorialized
wherever life takes you

young love

i saw a young girl today
   that reminded me of you
a flashback to a time of innocence
   back when we were both young
& untouched by the ache of living 
anything seemed possible, my ladybug lover
we had all the time in the world but no time at all
at least not in the scheme of our existence
hearts wild & reckless
& sometimes I wonder if those girls r still around 
maybe in some other dimension 
where pure love resides

choices

"The light is too painful for someone who wants to remain in darkness." ~Eckhart Tolle

this quote is resonating with me at high frequency today. i give up...i don't like to do this w/ people, but when they have made a choice to stay where they are, there is not much i can do to lift them out

hurry this pain

i fall asleep to hurry this pain
but my dreams provide no relief
and I wake up
one more day without you
you aren't there
only fragments in my memories
that remain
of you
time has never seemed longer

reverberations

his words reverberate in my mind
"i just don't want to."

& in my ego consciousness, i hear

u r not worth my consideration
u r not worth the time
u r not worth the effort
u r not worth it

& it's not that he's scared

he just doesn't want me

back home

late at night, when it's just me & my thoughts, uninterrupted, it is inevitable that my thoughts occasionally turn to my grandmother.  i miss her.  her body gave out over 1 year ago.  and while i still feel her presence, i still ache.  there are times when all i want to do is run from the city and go back home.  but there is no more home left for me.  just a dilapidated, abandoned structure that once contained her.  of course, there are memories there, but they live in the walls, like secrets, too beautiful to be told.  and too painful for me to reflect on, still.  so, i remain in my motherless world & hope that some day i will find a home again.

jen's gift

i recently finished a book that was both tragic & uplifting called The Seventh Well by Fred Wander.  it has taken me days to really absorb it's impact.  i am familiar with much literature based on the holocaust, fiction & non-fiction, alike.  it has been quite some time since i have immersed myself in this genre.  after reading Night by Elie Wiesel, i was quite affected & had to take a break from holocaust, if you will.  my friend, jen, had saved this one up for me & handed it to me a few weeks ago.  i had turned her on to Night & she was returning the favor with this one. 

the individuals i met in this novel i shall not soon forget.  even though they have long since deceased, Wander manages to make them come alive again & their spirits remain intact.  this amazes me . . . the legacies that some people leave.  here i am, far away from the forlorn places & times, yet i am still able to connect & cherish & remember these people.  for their bravery, humanity, vulnerabilities, & characteristics.  i believe that this is true success for a writer.  to make these characters breath life into you & really make a poignant impact on readers.

the real power for me in the book was the emphasis on individual stories. that each person Wander meets in the those camps was stripped of everything . . . . . clothing, wealth, family, home, even the hair on their bodies.  but they couldn't be stripped of their memories, thoughts, or feelings. they could break out of their prisons by expressing these & this undoubtedly helped some of the survivors carry on to see the liberation.

thank you, jen, for allowing me the chance to honor these wonderful souls.

corey's question

i had an interesting question posed to me this weekend on a sunday drive with my friend corey.
"chip, what is your vision, of yourself, what do you see in your future?"
i had to stop for a moment & breath.  such a simple question.  and one that has been asked at several times in our lives, starting in 1st grade.  but this time, it was different.
in context, we had just been discussing romantic relationships, which have always stupefied me anyway, so as anyone who knows me, my response of course was to be complicated.

my visions have changed over the course of my life.  and perhaps they are meant to be in flux.  my visions have been altered, recreated, abandoned, lost, forgotten, & found.  as a young girl, all i wanted was to escape the oppressive atmosphere of home, flee to a big city, & do my work. 
then i found out what love was about.  i had to change some things in my imagination to make room for another person.  & i quite happily did just that.  at that point, my vision felt most clear.  then i lost her & i was broken.  i didn't even want a future without her in it, so why bother dreaming anymore?

time moved on & i found myself again.  then, i could get to work on re-imagining.  after many other failed attempts at romantic relationships, i realized that i was done wasting my time.  i never quite fit or they never quite fit & we really didn't fit together.  i decided that being alone was my path.  i wanted to be that woman who grew a garden by the sea, had many loved animals, & focused on her writing through all the seasons.  i could live my days out this way.  with a few close friends, success, & peace.

after 3 years of being on my own, i thought i was content. 

then, i backpacked europe for a few weeks.  after visiting places i had only imagined in my dreams & meeting extraordinary people along the way, out of my comfort zone, i felt lonley for the first time in my life.  it was painful & hauntingly beautiful at the same time.  i became tender & soft.

so, i guess, my answer to corey's question is, "i don't know."  we are an ever-changing, fluid lot & i suppose if something is meant to be, i shouldn't deny it or run from it, but be open to chances, signs, opportunities . . . . . this tragic, magnificent, heartbreaking, loving life.    

in shadows

your whispers reverberate
in my ear,
down my body
and touch some sacred
parts
of my existence

an explosion of colors
not yet defined
tender & raw

but you only need
in shadows

morning tea

i protect my weekends...it's when i am finally able to get things done around home & see important people in my life. & today, it appears the weather will be uncooperative for the all-important plans i've made as many of them require being outdoors. but...it's ok. sitting here, looking out the open window at the steady rain, drinking my morning tea with my best girl beside me (bronte),i find a sense of quiet serenity that alludes me often. thank u, universe for this magnificent moment.

"lost in translation"

i was given a gift @ birth, as we all are....mine is of a social persuasion. of understanding people, motives, desires. however, i am at a loss with this one. how is it that some individuals will allow a moment in time define them in all future matters? our past is just that...our past. it's not who we are, but what we have learned...we become smarter & hopefully a bit wiser.