my best girl

i always knew this day would come. i guess i fooled myself into thinking she would be with me forever. i remember going to pick her up one early november 12 years ago. she was the tiniest little ball of wrinkles and the only female, which is the sex i wanted. and she was scurrying as fast as she could away from me & under a table. that was the first of many odd experiences i would have with her. her other new mommy & i stopped at the pet store on the way home. she threw up in the first aisle we came to so we scrambled out of there. but i fell in love with this goofy creature. i made a commitment that first day to her that nothing would ever come between her and i, save death. there were moments during those years where i thought i might be homeless. well, WE might be homeless and i even thought about how we would need a really big box and maybe 'toys r us' would have a good size swing set box that would keep us warm on the street. i never once thought of us not being together, through hard times or good times. you see, she was and is my home. and the psychology behind this is . . . i've never had a human companion for longer than a few years at a time, so she has been my constant best friend, family, and protector. at some really low times, she's been my only family. i've had her since i was 22. she has seen me through adulthood. i plan on reading her a letter i wrote for her on monday morning . . . . before the appointment. it's the only way i know how to deal with this devastating and inevitable loss.

i learned something about death shortly before grandma died. she and i were closer than any other mother and daughter. she was how i learned to "parent" bronte. with an unconditional love that surpassed space and time. at that time grandma's body was hanging on in this world. and although she had gotten delirious and was out of consciousness by this time, i knew i needed to tell her something in private. i sat beside her in that cold hospital room and i told her she could go. that i was going to be ok. i could make it without her if she needed to leave. i didn't want her to hurt or be in pain anymore. i can't recall if it was that day, the following day, or 2 days later . . . but she finally let go.
and i feel like bronte is holding on as well. like she wants to make sure i'll be ok without her. i feel like her main joys in life were grandma's house, car rides, treats, & protecting me.

following is my letter to her:

i never knew commitment or love until the moment i saw your sweet wrinkly face.
i'm not sure how i will live without you yet, but i will somehow find the strength. my silent protector and watchful guardian. where your spirit is going is a much better place than this world, love. i would rather you go there first than stay here without me and one of us has to go first.
no more thunder & lightning, no more fireworks, no more loud noises, no more fevers, no more hospital, no more separation anxiety, no more pain.
you've been my constant, my family, and my loyal best friend during adulthood. somehow, the universe knew we needed one another.
and now i have to say good bye and let you go. give grandma kisses for me, baby girl. until we meet again, i will always miss you, bronte beatrice. you have forever changed me. and i loved every moment of being your mommy.

for those of you who care about each of us..

i have decided to end mine & kim's relationship. without getting too personal, my reasoning is so that i am able to live a functional existence in this world. i never meant for this to happen and the last thing in the world i ever wanted to do was hurt kim. i don't regret one second of our time together. she has grown spiritually, emotionally, & socially so much in the last 10 months that i can only be proud and in awe of her. and i am grateful she allowed me to be a part of her wonderful journey. she is going to need people around her during this difficult time, as am i. please surround her with the love and thoughtfulness i have seen her give each day. this entire process has been very respectful and dignified and i ask everyone who cares for us to honor that. there was no unfaithfulness, no lies, no anger or hatred. there is just sadness. the integrity that this relationship has ended with will pave the way for a wonderful friendship between two people who care deeply for one another. i wholeheartedly believe that we were a blessing to each other, not simply a lesson.

namaste,
gypsy

this year of love

a year of travel, volunteerism, & beautiful lovers
is passing
on this final morning
the light
it shines in my eyes
as i reflect on these experiences
of which i know will last a lifetime
each moment frozen, encapsulated
in timelessness
this year of love

i enjoy life, fairly sober

is it a sign that i am getting old when i have absolutely no interest in attending parties or partying, for that matter?
i used to be that person once, i know. whatever bash was going on, u would find me there. hell, i even threw some fairly big ones myself. 
or maybe it's just certain kinds of parties..where the goal is to be surrounded by people & get inebriated. i had enough of that in my teens & early 20's. where & when exactly did i stop enjoying that life? 
i suppose it was when i learned i could enjoy certain people sober. & these were the people i wanted to be around, mostly. humans can connect & form deep bonds during conversations we will remember the next day & perhaps the rest of our lives. i decided i didn't want to spoil the moments i could cherish with double vision. 
as cheesy as it sounds, i feel a sense of exhilaration akin to drunkenness when being around people i love...who challenge me to use my brain & the cells in it that i have remaining. now, this doesn't mean i have or will swear off a drink from time to time. but moderation, i think, is best for me...a wine tasting, a couple beers or cocktails with a close group of friends is more my speed. 
let's talk about the intangibles of the world, cultures different from ours, Descartes, poetry, classic literature, music that moves us & we don't even have to worry about getting our cars the next day!

last act

it's finalmente
the last one is leaving

or left 
years ago

effort exhausted
when none was spent

& these little girl dreams
lie in waste
i stare at them
scattered around my feet
in disbelief
at this stunning exit

careful, as i pick them up
fingers tremble
a quiet stillness before 

my body becomes engulfed
      in flames of rage
i wail, scream, choke, scratch, rip, & tear
pound this earth with my fists

music, alcohol, women, & work
always ahead of this liability

and now this...

farewell,
you fucking coward

a woman's heart

a woman's heart is one of the greatest of mysteries 
through the ages 

an enigma, 
elusive & complex

the feminine 
knows some things are better left secret

and so...
burdens are carried, tears quiet
in private, 
she suffers

keeping my secret

my heart peeks out
hoping it is safe
only to be shoved back in

forcefully,
violently

don't u remember how she makes u feel, darlin?