corey's question

i had an interesting question posed to me this weekend on a sunday drive with my friend corey.
"chip, what is your vision, of yourself, what do you see in your future?"
i had to stop for a moment & breath.  such a simple question.  and one that has been asked at several times in our lives, starting in 1st grade.  but this time, it was different.
in context, we had just been discussing romantic relationships, which have always stupefied me anyway, so as anyone who knows me, my response of course was to be complicated.

my visions have changed over the course of my life.  and perhaps they are meant to be in flux.  my visions have been altered, recreated, abandoned, lost, forgotten, & found.  as a young girl, all i wanted was to escape the oppressive atmosphere of home, flee to a big city, & do my work. 
then i found out what love was about.  i had to change some things in my imagination to make room for another person.  & i quite happily did just that.  at that point, my vision felt most clear.  then i lost her & i was broken.  i didn't even want a future without her in it, so why bother dreaming anymore?

time moved on & i found myself again.  then, i could get to work on re-imagining.  after many other failed attempts at romantic relationships, i realized that i was done wasting my time.  i never quite fit or they never quite fit & we really didn't fit together.  i decided that being alone was my path.  i wanted to be that woman who grew a garden by the sea, had many loved animals, & focused on her writing through all the seasons.  i could live my days out this way.  with a few close friends, success, & peace.

after 3 years of being on my own, i thought i was content. 

then, i backpacked europe for a few weeks.  after visiting places i had only imagined in my dreams & meeting extraordinary people along the way, out of my comfort zone, i felt lonley for the first time in my life.  it was painful & hauntingly beautiful at the same time.  i became tender & soft.

so, i guess, my answer to corey's question is, "i don't know."  we are an ever-changing, fluid lot & i suppose if something is meant to be, i shouldn't deny it or run from it, but be open to chances, signs, opportunities . . . . . this tragic, magnificent, heartbreaking, loving life.